Ask Me Anything You Want, Just Not That
If you have spoken with a senior in high school lately, or even a rising junior, I suspect that one of your questions included where they wanted to go to college. If it was a senior, I imagine it might have been the first one. Our own children got this question so often that I suggested that they just print up cards with a list of schools and hand it over to the well meaning inquisitor. (They never did.) I know it’s an easy opening line, but next time you find yourself in the presence of a soon-to-be graduate, I encourage you to find another way to start, or end, the conversation. And maybe, not ask that question at all!
I spoke with a former camper today, a high school senior, who surely finds herself in the mid-to-late stages of finishing her college applications and, for some reason I assured her from the start that I was not going to ask “that ‘’ question. I think I heard a bit of relief in her chuckle. We managed to have a great conversation about her schedule, classes, her family and why she is considering applying for a job as a Junior Counselor for next summer all without even mentioning college.
Today, that once simple and genuine question is a loaded one for kids. Somewhere along the way where you went to college became so much more important than what you did in college. It’s probably been that way for a long time, but it has only increased in the last decade or so. At a time in their life when kids might see infinite possibilities, they see college admissions and the process of getting into a good school, as defining their lives - for the rest of their lives. Internal, societal, and parental pressures have aligned to shroud the process in make-or-break terms. College admissions has become a 2.8 billion dollar industry with college consultants, essay coaches, and test prep tutors.
To be sure, we all want the best for the young people in our lives, and if that path involves time at a 4-year university, we want them to find one that challenges them, allows them to thrive, and puts them on a path to a meaningful and rewarding career. As the recent admission scandal showed us, parents will go to great ends, fabricate life experiences, pay exorbitant sums, and even break the law to assure a favorable placement. But just as important, as we frame the experience for the young people in our lives, I suggest we offer them just a bit more space, and grace, to let them figure it out.
I’ve heard enough of these responses from kids to know that they often tailor their answer to the audience. Kids tell adults what they think the adult wants to hear. College is a defining experience for students, but we have to let it become their definition, not ours. “There’s a school out there for everyone,” I offered to a young friend the other day, and I believe it to be true. I didn’t invent this idea, and books have been written on the topic. (See Where You Go is Not Who You’ll Be, by Frank Bruni.)
It’s a precarious time for young people and anything we can do, as adult mentors, friends, aunts, uncles, and parents to assure them that they will be seen, and that they matter, for who they are, not which college’s swag will adorn them for the next 4 years (and beyond), will go a long way towards making sure they do thrive - wherever they go.
